“I feel like you think you’re better than me”
“I am” I retorted, in my head.
I said it to God too, severally. I wanted God to settle the score for me so I petitioned him from my high horse. It was good too because I didn’t feel there was anything that could be held against me in that particular situation.
I had a sense of entitlement. I deserved better. I was worth more. This wasn’t what I bargained for and I wasn’t going to stop being angry. The situation demanded the best-brewed fury that agony could buy, and I was not going to disappoint. Someone needed to feel as horrible as I was feeling. I thought it would make me feel better.
But then the scroll was brought out. When my heart had softened towards God, He gently began to reveal me to myself. As I was shaking my fist at God, demanding for ‘justice’, He brought out a mirror and I saw the real me; loved, accepted, strong, fierce and unstoppable. But I also saw proud, entitled and erratic. The very things in other people that had hurt me, I saw in myself. The pride stank to high heaven. I came face to face with how arrogant I had been. Everything revolved around me and my process and I took no responsibility for my own happiness. I had put on my own robe of righteousness and took it to the muddy pity-party. I needed God’s forgiveness. I needed him to teach me to forgive; myself first.
I cognizant of the fact that I had indeed been hurt, broken even, but in me was also the power to say “enough is enough”. Broken people break people. They don’t fix after they’ve broken. They don’t have the capacity. To expect them to also fix you is placing an impossible demand on a perforated vessel. In fact, you too are a limited vessel, you can’t fix you. Only God can restore us all and make us agents of healing. Healing has to come from inside, from God. Any other source is just a pacifier.
While it’s very hard to confront entitlement when you’re in pain, this is one of the keys of real and lasting transformation. Humility releases grace.
Whatever damage you’re dealing with, take it to God. Even people’s best intentions can still go wrong and cause us distress. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and it may hurt, but you cannot change it. You also cannot change the person that hurt you and they may not see their wrong. Don’t wallow in anger. What they gave you was all they had to give. Release them and create room for light and love. Extend the same grace you would wish extended to you.
Be kind to yourself and let God heal your heart. Forgiveness is power. True forgiveness is not a selfish act meant to just rid you of pain. It is also the acknowledgement that you too are in need of forgiveness and in submission to Christ’s unconditional grace. Forgiveness is indeed humility.
“Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23