A few years ago, I woke up one day and could not leave my bed. I curled myself up into a ball, totally engulfed in darkness, pain and terror. I could not see, think, cry or utter a word. I had become ‘Marah’.
My near perfect world had been completely shattered with the realization that my marriage was not going to work-a marriage I had dreamt about and prayed over, all my life. I had lived in a beautiful happy love bubble for a year before everything was thrown into total disarray.
For 6 months I carried the heavy cross of shame and terror so heavily on me that I literally collapsed few times. I became a shell of my former self; no longer interested in clothes, make-up, jewellery, the sun, rain, colour, church, people, movies and just about everything I loved before. Everything was dull and grey.
I tried everything I knew how to do to save my marriage, but things moved from bad to worse. I felt trapped and crippled.
Every day ushered me further and further away from light and love and into utter loneliness and despondency.
Then one day, I left.
And the road to healing began. One painful sore filled step at a time. One step forward, five hundred backwards. Six hundred steps forward, ten backwards.
For a year I never set foot in a church and my every conversation with God was rage-filled. I felt trapped in Him too; disappointed and hurt but with nowhere else to turn to.
With gentle persistence, Jesus tugged on my heart, asking me to allow him to show me his love. For a long time I resisted, terrified of letting anyone in and being hurt further. I didn’t think there was anyone to trust, not even the Lord. But He kept on, gently.
Eventually, the Lord prevailed over me as he always does, and my heart began to be tender for Him. It was a long road to my healing; my night was long, but morning came.
I hope to share a part of my journey with you and let you know it is well.
Light and love.
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.