I don’t know if you’re anything like me but if at all, then you probably understand raw rage! I used to be such an incredibly angry person. I was angry with everything and everyone! Once I was so enraged at someone, I started screaming at the top of my voice, a shrill, blood curdling, wordless scream, enough for all our neighbours and the police to gather around my parents’ house. I was especially angry with God.
I just recently found something I wrote back when I was in the thick of things. If I’m not crazy, you might relate to a certain degree with it.
I have been to church only once since my husband and I separated. For someone that went to church five times a week, 3 months is a lifetime. That once, all I did was cry and make an absolute fool out of myself. So I won’t go again.
I’m having a faith crisis. I don’t understand how I ever thought that God is good. I trusted him. I stood at the altar and made a covenant, a covenant that was totally his to keep. We keep saying that it can only be done by his grace. Marriages only hold together by his grace. That unless the Lord builds a house, the builders work in vain. My best efforts could not have held my marriage together. Yet when it all falls apart, God is not responsible for any of it. Unless he builds a house, it cannot stand. But if he does not, it’s not on him. It seems to me like he takes glory for the good and rejects responsibility for the bad. The all-powerful God would have taken the credit had my marriage worked. Now, he’s too perfect to associate with its failure. One then might say that somehow this situation brings him glory. Doesn’t that make him sadistic?
I lay down all my fears and failures to delve into the most important journey of my life. I gave it to God. He let it down the drain.
I was surrounded, popular, dignified and respected. I stood with people through their pain, thinking the worst was behind me. Mine was a testimony of deliverance. People were encouraged by my story. I saw many get healed and delivered. I preached, taught, prayed and led. My life revolved around ministry and my heart was all about God’s people.
When it all fell apart, slowly those I called my friends checked out of my life. They kept claiming to love me, but they keep a safe distance, the embarrassment in the church and our social circles being too much for them. I was an authority. Now, I’m a tattered disgrace.
If this is how God glorifies Himself and knowing that I can’t ever run from him, I’m a slave, and not even death can save me.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Many are they who say of me, There is no help for him in God.But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,
My glory and the One who lifts up my head. Psalms 3:2-3